The Sex Girl by Alice Carbone

Author:Alice Carbone
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Rare Bird Books
Published: 2015-07-10T20:21:41+00:00

Life Without

“A Forest” by The Cure

Rain came down on Monday afternoon. That’s how she started her diary that day, a couple of weeks since the night with Bill. Los Angeles was crying lonely, dusty tears of rain.

Not that she wasn’t used to rainy weather, given her upbringing in the Alps and her years in London. She loved the smell and the sound of the rain in Hyde Park. The shapeless humid drops were part of the city, something that you either loved or hated. In Los Angeles, rain was different and hardly contemplated. London was beautiful in its white and gray shades, and mysterious when touched by the drops of its windy and dense rain.

The ocean can be melancholic and romantic with rainy, gusty weather, but Los Angeles itself is not. Its architecture was not meant for that kind of weather. Los Angeles was built for the burning sun, for clouds, for the Santa Ana winds, and the fires, but not for rain on a Monday morning.

K had always been affected by the weather. They had a love-hate relationship and that day, she hated it. The drizzle and its smell as it evaporated from the broken asphalt on La Cienega made her feel tired and weak, blue and without life. It was not the right day to rain. Bill had not yet called. Maybe she did not want him to. She was not supposed to deal with a man in her life at that stage, she was supposed to get sober and do yoga, drink more green tea, and write a book.

For years I’ve been reading K’s diary, debating on how to tell her story. I respect and understand her feelings, the disease; but at times, especially at the beginning of my reading, I couldn’t understand what she was looking for, and why it was so hard for her to see the truth, pay attention to that wake up call that had been ringing for her.

I don’t know if she really loved him or if she was just looking for someone else to hate, to fight, to blame, to become addicted to. I don’t know if she wanted Bill to become an alternative to what she was about to choose. I don’t know what was K looking for in those early days.

Love was the least of her worries in that moment. She had a deadline and she had to fight major cravings. She needed to find a way out of her brain for the next hour or so. She had an article to deliver, and since the interview turned out to be more interesting than she had imagined, work stopped her for a short while. But the cravings got stronger. She started shaking and having cold sweats again; she walked in and out of the apartment five times with cash and cigarettes in her hand. It kept growing and she couldn’t stop it, but she didn’t want to do that to her body again. She stopped thinking straight; her brain became completely absorbed in that feeling of nonentity.

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